The Other Side

Father Christmas SPECIAL – BREAKING NEWS

Speaking live from the North Pole, Father Christmas today announced in his annual press conference that he is now on the Atkins diet, and he made a public plea for help.  The rules of the Atkins diet say carbohydrates, found in bread and pasta for example, are banned.

“I couldn’t face having to buy a bigger suit”, said Father Christmas. “And I don’t like reading job descriptions for someone to be myself, to be Father Christmas in a shopping centre, and it always says: make sure you are enormous at interview so you look convincing”

A close friend of Father Christmas claimed Mrs Claus played a role in his decision to lose weight.

The elf said: “Mrs Claus is fast becoming known as the Iron Lady, she has been cracking the whip in the Toy Factory. She even forced us to sign legal documents that mean we can’t sue if we get injured.  Santa’s on Atkins?  That’s got her name written all over it that has. Some of the other elves have been calling her ‘Thatcher’.”
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The problem with healthy diets can be illustrated using the following short story.  Bill and Eileen, an elderly couple who had been killed in a car accident, woke up to find they are being given a tour of Heaven, by Saint Peter himself.

“Here is your luxury sea side apartment, just behind that hedge there you will find your own private tennis courts, a heated outdoor swimming pool, and two golf courses.  If you would like a drink at any time, there are plenty of bars to choose from and they are always open.”

Bill was eager to check out the world class golf course that the new apartment adjoined.  Saint Peter told Bill that they would both have daily golf priorities on the tee, and that each week the course would switch to a different one, representing all the best golf courses in the world.

Impressed, Bill asked Saint Peter:

“So what are the green fees?”

To which Peter replied:

“Bill, this is Heaven, you can play for free.”

Saint Peter walked away, but when Eileen looked at Bill, he was fuming with rage:

“Eileen, we could have been here 10 years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid low saturated fat and organic diets!”

A girl waits for the waiter to arrive and says:

“I would like a quadruple Cornish ice cream sundae with strawberry syrup, nuts, lashings of whipped cream, and topped off with a slice of carrot”

The Waiter retorts:

“Did I hear you correctly? Did you say you want us to top it off with a slice of carrot?

So the girl realises and replies:

“Blimey! You are right!  Forget the carrot…… I am on a diet”

It can’t have happened overnight, but now we have to become members of all the food shops and supermarkets.

At the checkout they ask you:

Have you got a clubcard?

You: Sorry what?

Are you a member of our secret club?

You: Errrr, I’m just getting Doritos.

Well that’ll be £2,000.00  Or you can join our club.

You: I can’t come to a lot of meetings, but I guess I’ll join.

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